I have just returned home from the doctor with an infected throat and vocal chords. Not allowed to sing until I feel well. I am finally starting to get some job offers teaching, but then I got this infection. I feel disappointed in my body for not letting me earn the money I’m offered. My son is taking his afternoon nap and I am half sitting/half resting in our red couch. The first thought that enters my aching head is that I could continue looking for work on the internet, but instead I pic up Patti Smiths biography “just kids” and start reading. After only a couple of pages her memories evoke mine. Memories of moments of complete contentment. Long before I had decided what I wanted to do with my life. I also remembered why I had felt so content.
It was just after high school and I had eloped to the south of England to…well, you know “find myself”. But the thing was that I really did. I simply let myself be who I really was without the charades I had put on in high school. My social life during high school was actually someone elses social life that I was trying hard to fit into. To the small town of Lewes I came as ME. And this sweet moment that I remember is simply me sitting by myself with some cheap coffee in my favourite cup and my crappy old guitar in my lap. In a room where I didn’t own much but the clothes in my suitcase and the photos on the walls that I had taken with my new analog camera. It was a moment of daydreaming and inspiration and I probably wrote down an idea for a song and then pondered about a life in England and the next photo session I wanted to do. My creativity at this time was still so clean and independent of other people’s opinions. I had no expectations and no belongings more than my clothes, my camera, my guitar and my favourite coffee cup. During that time of not knowing what to do with my life and with only a few belongings I was totally free.
Maybe I value those moments highly because I have a small child now and don’t get much time for reflection, but I feel I need to remember those moments so I don’t fall into the money-making-trap or start bothering about what kind of music I should make to please others. And a full-time job is not contenting. It’s just about making money to buy things I don’t need and then not having any energy left for pure creativity. I should simply make more time for those moments of reflection and let the art, lyrics or music simply enter my peaceful available mind. I believe it will pay me back one day. Only now I have five favourite coffee cups…
Anyway. Life is now.